Sandals of any fashion

You are lost and eligible for free lunch at the senior center. You thought you were going to pick up your cousin from the airport. Oh look, a seat. Cool, this chair has moving parts. You are working out — not correctly or efficiently. More important than the single tendon in use is that you are in every single person’s way, but are too oblivious to realize it. When people ask you if they can utilize the machine for its intended purpose — you stare blankly, as though there is a two way mirror separating your faces. WE SEE YOU.

Button down shirt

Once the sight of your button down shirt hits my eyes, it is automatically assumed that you came straight from work, overly caffeinated and stressed, to the gym. Button down bowflexers are sweating before they start moving. Yea, your heart rate is up and that is wonderful, but it might explode. Take a night off. Go run the streets screaming about stocks, or whatever you’re falsely passionate about at the moment.


You are actively drunk. I enjoy sunglasses guy/gal because nothing on earth would be more refreshing in a dank, crowded, sweaty gym than cracking open an ice cold can of PBR. Carry on. But don’t touch me.

Door knocker earrings

These girls only do cardio. And I say girl because if you wear 5 inch diameter bamboo earrings to a cardio kickboxing class, you have the courage, stupidity and inherent disregard for surrounding human eyeballs that only a child possesses. So enjoy your uncomfortable, impractical gym ensemble. And when I get Lasik I can read what snarky, grammatically incorrect saying your shirt that you stole from the mall says. Bless your heart child, for you are our future. ::ahem, Darwin::

Full face of makeup

Bye. In addition to the RuPaul-at-an-awards-show quantity of paint on your face, you are probably/definitely showing the vast majority of skin on your body and/or wearing those shorts that go up your crack. Stretching deliberately in an awkward place. Pretending you don’t want attention.

In addition to the above atrocities — I have witnessed the following:

A woman in a full suit and coat walking a treadmill. Just walk outside where this is acceptable.

An open family size bag of chips on the floor, Twix wrappers, etc. You’re conflicted. Go home.

Pets. PETS. Why would you bring a bird to the gym?

What strangeness have you encountered at the gym?