I started wondering about diets lately.
By wondering, I mean, wondering why everyone else is on one and I’m not. I probably should be. Most everyone I know is on one of the following: The Caveman diet (they call it Paleo but I call it caveman). They can only eat meat and lettuce. I tried this once. I think I lasted a full day but I really don’t remember. It could have been just half of that.
There’s the Green-only cleansing diet. I have several friends doing this. I have no idea what that entails, but I assume it is the same diet as above only without the animals(or meat). Anything green is cool.
I’m good with that for the most part. Once, I ate only orange stuff all day. Not on purpose, it just turned out that carrots, oranges and Diet Sunkist were the only things I had handy. Don’t ask me why that’s not a real diet. If there is a green-only regimen, why can’t there be an orange one? My guess is because people would figure out that Cheetos and cheese crackers are also orange and that would wreck everything. Who knows?
Daughter No. 1 is always saying she can’t eat anything white. Bread, rice, pasta, all that is a no. I’d have to rule that one out because I’m sure white chocolate would not be allowed, and the minute you tell me I can’t have it, all I’d want is that.
Daughter No. 2 became a vegetarian, but that was after she became a vegan. She went through that one in high school and it nearly killed me. There are only so many frozen, black bean veggie burgers with no animal broth added that one can consume. And she considered kale a necessity. Kale that we bought, but never figured out how to make properly. So, then it became brown kale. Brown stuff was not allowed on someone’s diet, but I can’t remember which one.
I probably could start my own diet plan. We’d call it the Society diet. You know, it would sort of remind you of the Hollywood diet. If you follow the Society diet, you basically survive on hors d’oeurves and wine — or whatever cocktail you like when you go out.
This diet also reminds me of the movie “Mermaids” with Cher and Winona Ryder. Remember that scene where she can’t make any real food at home because she only knows how to make hors d’oeuvers? She even has to cut her kids’ sandwiches into little stars. I totally get that now.
Sugar is allowed on the Society diet because, well, it is in almost everything and it is impolite to turn it down in some circles.
Then, during Lent and the months of June and July, you don’t go out at all and you live on salad and vitamin water. That pretty much makes up for the rest of the year.
I’m kidding, of course. Please don’t try this at home — unless you are a highly trained professional.
I think I prefer Ms. Ella Meaux’s diet. She retired from Borden’s after 56 years, at the age of 86. She said she ate ice cream every day. All I can say is, Ms. Ella, whatever you did, it worked, so carry on!
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