Ever wondered why babies have perfect skin? Yes, I know they’re brand new and haven’t desecrated themselves yet with hard liquor, tobacco and the kind of crisps that come in ‘tangy cheese’ flavour, but I mean the real reason they have perfect skin? What – because we’re all supposed to pretend that the fact they’ve had the nicest skincare products on the planet used on them since day one has nothing to do with it?
Well, I don’t buy it. But I do buy baby products for myself – en masse. Here’s why: I don’t like to pour perfume on my skin. It burns off dermal layers I’ve grown fond of, it stings like hell, and if God had wanted to punish women daily in the way he clearly does men, he would have created female aftershave.
I’m also not a fan of massaging coconut oil into my face. yes, it smells like teenage summers, but it’s way too rich for most British skin and will clog your pores something rotten. That won’t stop cosmetics companies from sticking gallons of it in everything because it’s cheap – and gives your creams that expensive texture.
But what if there were a whole range of products these two beauty imposters hadn’t infiltrated? A range that was hypoallergenic and packaged in a way that prompted that uniquely irritating squeak women make in the presence of babies and kittens? Well, there is – get to these gems before the little people do.
Four baby products that you should be using
The best baby wash and cream
Mustela No Rinse Cleansing Water, £7.25
Be reminded of babies by smelling like one.
The best baby oil
Burt’s Bees Nourishing Baby Oil, £10.99
For stretch marks, cuticles and (in tiny amounts) your hair’s dry ends.
The best baby wonder balm
The Honest Company Organic Healing Balm, £9.60
One of the most popular products in Jessica Alba’s sustainable range.
The best baby-like fragrance
Tartine et Chocolat Eau de Toilette, from £22.39
Spray yourself, your rooms and your linen with the most delicate scent in existence.